Since I've been spending more time dwelling in the ethereal mists of Avalon, many people in my mundane life have asked me why I've stopped doing professional mediumship readings. There are several reasons I decided to close my business, which, at its heart, revolved around services incorporating mediumship. But the chief reason I stopped was quite simple: I was unhappy, and I could no longer pretend that I wasn't.
When I closed my practice in 2020, I'd been working as a Tarot reader, psychic, and clairvoyant medium for 30 years. Everything in my life centered around me being "a good medium." My business, my reputation, my persona -- all were dependent upon my skills as a medium and my ability to bring through evidential information from dead people to prove their continued existence to the loved ones left here on the physical plane. And in this regard, I succeeded. I was a good evidential medium. Clients came back to me for new readings year after year. They recommended me to others. I became a minor celebrity after writing books and being consulted on national radio shows. In any profession, these kinds of achievements would be seen as great accomplishments. I do believe they are, and I'm proud of what I've done.
But more and more, I felt empty and sad. I felt like I jumped through hoops in every reading I did, trying like mad to impress my clients, to fulfill their expectations of receiving amazing evidence from their loved ones in Spirit. They didn't often voice these expectations, mind you, but I certainly placed them upon myself in order to feel valued and successful. And the harder I worked, the "better" I became at mediumship, the more unhappy and anxious I became. Oh, I talked a good talk. I told my students, "It's not about being right in a reading. It's about serving Spirit." But in truth, it was as far from serving Spirit as it could get. It was about serving my own ego, and, over time, that doubt and fear of not being "right," of not living up to high expectations, drove me to panic attacks and an unhealthy body and mind. As I write this, I hate how this makes me feel -- vulnerable, ugly, messy, self-centered, self-serving -- but I know I need to endure this. I know I need to own these feelings and process them, no matter how despicable they are. I need to find a way to bring myself back into balance. And it occurred to me that the only place to focus, then, is on me.
I always used my mediumship skills to do sessions for others. I was driven to work for clients, as if by being of service to others somehow made me worthy of any good things that happened in my life. It came down to wanting to be validated and told in no uncertain terms that I was worthwhile. My low self-esteem needed to be stroked and coaxed into believing it was much better than it actually was. This enormous pressure I put on myself to perform slowly eroded my psychological endurance. It may very well have contributed to the onset of a period of poor health that culminated in my ongoing heart issues. I just know that after so long, I had to stop. Spirit had never deserted me, despite my flaws, but I needed to step away.
The word "me" is contained in the word "mediumship." Some people begin to study spirit communication because they want to develop a personal relationship with their spirit people, whether it's their deceased loved ones, their spirit guides, the Ascended Masters, the angels -- whoever. I realized for myself that this component of mediumship was always second to connecting for others. I wanted to serve. I wanted to help people. I wanted to bring healing to others. I realize now I wanted this so much that I often left out the "me" part of mediumship development and spirit work. Yes, I knew my spirit guides. Yes, I asked for personal guidance at times. But more than anything, I sought ways to communicate that would enhance the experience for my clients. It was always about controlling the outcome so that the client had a good session, a good experience. And the more I focused on this, the more I pushed myself, the more unhappy I became. I didn't realize this for a very long time. I thought I was doing the right thing, working hard to please my clients, so that they would understand and appreciate spirit communication. But that really isn't what mediumship needs to be. My mediumship needs to be about me. It needs to be about satisfying the inherent drive I have to serve -- not to serve my ego, but to serve Spirit. This means that not everything that happens in a session can be validated right in that moment. It means that some people may never be satisfied that they've received an "accurate" reading. It means that Rose and her (very large, very noisy) ego don't get to judge what the client needs, even when the client doesn't like what Spirit provides. It means holding an unwavering intention of service, which was always my goal, I believe. But I failed, a lot, and now I need to figure out how to do this without my ego interfering.
So...where does that leave me and my mediumship? In some ways, I'm floating in the healing waters of Avalon, trying to forgive myself for being less than I'd hoped, trying to regain my self-esteem and to accept who I am now. I'm rebuilding my relationships with Spirit, hopefully in a stronger, better way. I'm focusing on both my light and my shadow, and I although I'm still trying to peer through the thick mist to see ahead, I've become more patient with myself and with this part of the journey. I'm still serving Spirit by working at my church and at other events, by studying, by meditating, by writing, and, hopefully, by sharing my journey with others so they can learn from my mistakes. I know that Spirit stands by me, ready to help me when I need it. They certainly continue to teach me, and I'm humbled by and grateful for the lessons.
But that's all part of the spiritual journey, isn't it?
So as I stand here today on the Isle of Glass, I feel the sun warm my skin in the cool November air. I breathe in the scent of fallen leaves and hear the whisper of my ancestors as they call from across the veil. I center myself and call my power back to me, and I live in this moment, not thinking about what lies ahead, but what lies within.
Sending you love, blessings, and peace from Ynis Witrin.